we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
