So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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