remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
