someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
