i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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