I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She bit a glass in half.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
