life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
where are my eyebrows?
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