so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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