if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
