Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize