just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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