If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
