chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
