drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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