I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
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