shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
