My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
