Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
