Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
