Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
