New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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