I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
