i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
