Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just gargled with NyQuil
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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