70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize