I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
