i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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