WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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