You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
