my soul wont recognize me after tonight
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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