The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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