so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
They are going to name an STD after you.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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