I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
