I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize