im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
