Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize