I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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