k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
