Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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