hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
