hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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