I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
