I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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