I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just fell off a train. Bad.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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