I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
