Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
