i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize