answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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