A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
