He uses pillows to masturbate.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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