Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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