I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
