My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
