apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize