OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
