i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
