can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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