The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
