I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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